Saturday, May 7, 2011

Difficult Post

I don't even know where to begin this post. I have been thinking that I need to, but I am struggling hard to find the right words. About a week ago, Carl and I started feeling separately that we were no longer sure if we wanted to do the surgeries for baby Cale. We were both feeling so discouraged, and had thoughts and feelings that we didn't think he was going to make it - even if we did the surgeries. Then last Sunday, we were able to discuss our thoughts and feelings with each other, and were surprised to know that we were both feeling the same way. I have been in contact with other families and moms that have children with HLHS, and I have looked at a ton of different blogs, so I feel like I kind of have a sense of different experiences we would have if we chose to do the surgeries. So, I decided to research our other option, and see what it was like for others who did not choose surgery. I still felt like I wasn't sure what we should do for Cale. We also knew that we were going to Primary's later that week, and we wanted to talk to the people there about our options as far as what would happen if we didn't choose surgery.


Needless to say, this week has been a heart-wrenching, faith-building week for me. I have been torn to pieces, I have felt so much love and sadness for my baby, but I have also felt peace and comfort in knowing what we should do, and what will be the best thing for our family.


At Primary's they told us everything looks about the same with Cale - so really nothing new to report there. We asked them, out of all the heart defects there are, where does HLHS rank in severity? They told us that it is about at the top - it's one of the worst ones, which is what we already kind of knew.


We asked them about our options, and what we would do if we chose not to do the surgeries, and they gave us a lot of information about that. They are so amazing there, so supportive of our decisions, and our feelings and thoughts, I really appreciate the people that we have met and been able to talk to there. As we learned about the option to do what they call "comfort care" to let the baby be born in Logan, possibly come home with us, and have him with us until he passes away, we both continued to feel good about not doing the surgeries. We feel like Cale only needs to come to this earth to get his body, and then he can go back home to watch over our family, and continue the work that Heavenly Father has for him.

Please continue to pray for our family, it has helped so much, and we have felt your love and support through this very hard time in our lives.

12 comments:

Jones said...

Wish we were closer and could offer more support but we are thinking about and praying for you.. We love you guys and your sweet family!
Jacob and Robyn

Brooke Jackson said...

Lisa & Carl, I am so sorry you guys have to go through this. Please let us know if we can help in any ways besides prayers. I wish I had the perfect verbal band aid for you guys! You have such a great family! Thank heaven for the love and support from them.

Sharlene Bitter said...

I am sure that in the premortal life, you told Heavenly Father that you would be willing to have a spirit come to your home just to get a body and then would be willing to let him go back home. I am sure that Heavenly Father appreciates your willingness to go through this for one of his spirit children that just needs a body to progress. What an amazing example you are to me. I love you guys so much! We keep praying for you!

Catie said...

My heart has been breaking for you guys since I spoke with you about this. We are definitely praying for you guys. I wish there was something, anything, we could do to help.

Micki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Micki said...

It was so good to see you guys a few nights ago! I have to say that Fisher did a pretty good job of cutting hair, he may want to choose it as a profession! I want you to know how much I really love you guys and your family, you have been such a huge help and have had such a positive influence in my life I know that I can't thank you enough. If there is anything I can do please let me know. If you just need someone to talk to or someone to watch your kids I would be more than willing to repay the favor. I love you guys and want you to know that I pray for you and know that whatever you choose will be in the best interest of Cale. I can already feel him as a part of our family and love him too! Good luck you guys and I hope that you continue to feel peace through the weeks to come.

Micki said...

I love you guys and your family so much, it must be hard for you to make such a difficult decision. as long as you guys feel good about it, that's all that matters. Thanks for sharing and keeping us posted. It must be hard to keep going over it and verbalizing your feelings. Thank you for always being such a good example to us! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! "The best way to have Heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in Heaven."
Love, Wendi

Anonymous said...

well just wanted to check out your blog tonight and I am so inspired by your ability to express your faith and to work through lifes challenges that you have been faced with. I am so grateful you are my visiting teacher. I am so thankful god put you in my life. I wish I knew what to say but I am praying that you will recieve all the answers you seek in making this decision.
luv the francis's

katie said...

Big huge hugs. You are so brave. I remember feeling like we were playing God in making this decision. Isn't it nice that you don't have to make it alone? Now you get to make preparations before and just enjoy your time with Cale. Love the name, by the way. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. I was wondering if I could get your address so I could drop something by. email me. katiejorg@hotmail.com

Dax said...

Every time I read your posts it brings me to tears. You guys are amazing and I pray for you and your baby. I really don't think I would handle things quite as well as you are. If you need anything...even just a break or someone to talk to please let me know. I miss seeing you guys :)

Dax said...

This is Stephanie by the way...I didn't realize Dax even had an account...

Kellie said...

Lisa, it's been a long time since I've been on blogs and when I saw yours on my blog roll and I wanted to check in on y'all. I am so sorry to hear about baby Cale. Your strength and faith is amazing. We will keep y'all in our prayers.